From the Ashram to the Writer's Table

When I was 36 years old, I had a major mid life crisis.  I had been pretty much a type A, go get ‘em type person.  After I graduated college, I went on to work on Wall Street.  I quickly realized it was not the industry for me, and transitioned into the field of marketing. I worked for several more years before going to get my MBA, and then began the climb that led to my ultimate demise. After my MBA, I moved to New York City and started working a large global consumer packaged goods company. Ten years later, after moving to an advertising agency and then an innovation think tank, I had a meltdown.

Ironically my mid-life crisis happened shortly after I had conducted a very large-scale study on health & wellness for a food company. I was running across the country interviewing consumers in their homes and running myself ragged from the stress of running a poorly-resourced project.  I switched from coffee to tea, and I gave up drinking because I couldn’t afford to be off my game.  After the project was successfully completed, I began running again, on another project and then another and another. I was finally able to take a much needed vacation, and I decided to go to yoga ashram in upstate New York. 

On my third day at the ashram, after two days of eating vegetarian foods, doing yoga, waking up at 5 a.m to chant and meditate, I was starting to relax. I was sitting on the grounds of the ashram contemplating life when I saw two bees. I watched as they went from one flower to the other, never stopping for a moment to savor the nectar of one plant.  I was exhausted just watching them. Then suddenly I realized that I was exactly like them. My life was one buzzing episode of moving from one thing to the next, with no purpose or conviction. I was looking for happiness while working, dating, traveling. But nothing felt fulfilling. I started to wonder if life was supposed to feel this empty. I wanted answers. I asked God, the Universe, anyone - to please help me.

While I was sitting in meditation that day I had an epiphany. I had to leave my job. The thought scared me immensely. But it came with a strong feeling that it was the right thing to do. I didn’t know how taking off time from my work would really help me find the answers to the questions I was seeking. It felt irresponsible, indulgent and irrational. I had worked my whole life and unconsciously, I had defined myself by my job. How could I just walk away from it? Plus, I had just purchased one bedroom co-op apartment in Manhattan, with a steep maintenance and mortgage. Was this the best move?

After my four-day stay at the ashram was over, I spent another four days at my friend’s house in upstate New York. I had a few more days of my week-long vacation to contemplate this thought that took me by surprise. As I was driving to my friend’s home, I thought of sending an e-mail to my parents about my decision. But then I asked myself – what was I seeking? Did I want their blessing? Did I need their approval? Ultimately, I decided that this was a decision that I needed to make by myself. I didn’t need the opinions of others. I needed to ask my soul what was best for me.

During my time alone, I tried to meditate on this decision, but all I heard was the cacophony of fear. So, I journaled. I took long walks around the neighboring lake. And I listened to Miriam Williamson’s CD, Return to Love. By the end of the week I was resolved to go back to New York City and start living life in a different way.

I returned to work on Monday and quit my job. I sent an e-mail to my friends and colleagues and told them I was leaving my job to follow my bliss. A few weeks later I started my sabbatical. When I took my sabbatical, I didn't’ know where it would lead me. I had taken acting classes at HB Studios in the West Village for fun, so I decided to take another acting class and a playwriting class.  I fell in love with playwriting and continued to study it for several years.  I’ve now had several readings and productions of my work across the US.

My sabbatical also led me to discovering a new way to work. I had always planned to go back to work after my time off. I had saved enough to take a year off. But after a few months I my savings began dwindling faster than I had expected. I started freelancing and picked up some jobs at marketing firms. Eventually I decided to hang up a shingle and start my own firm.  I’ve been consulting for twelve years now and have found it extremely fulfilling. Consulting gives me the freedom to work on projects that I find interesting, it gives me time to work on my writing, and it gives me the flexibility I need for my family. It’s one of the best decisions I made for myself, despite the fact that it wasn’t deliberate.

During my sabbatical I read many books, especially books on Spirituality. I found a Buddhist center in New York that became my spiritual home, until I moved to Portland with my family. I was in constant inquiry about the way that I had always known the world. I was raised to believe that success came from having a high-paying professional job, a pedigree and a great resume. As I began exploring the true nature of things, I realized that success was not any of those things. I try hard not to use that word anymore. Instead I ask myself to be present. I measure myself on how authentic and kind I’ve been. And I ask my soul to help guide the way.

By no means am I recommending that you quit your job to find greater happiness. At the time I had done it, I had little obligations (except for my housing expenses) and made the decision based on what I needed at the time. I’m not sure I’d make the same decision today. But I was lucky that I was able to take some time off during my career to explore what was truly meaningful to me in my life. I am grateful that I was able to take a short recess from work to question where my life was going. I helped me course-correct and follow a path that felt more authentic and more fulfilling. As I had set out to do when I left my job, I hope that I will be able to continue to follow my bliss in the many years to come.